So much change is happening in our world right now. This is true on a large societal scale, in our individual homes, and in our own thoughts and feelings. Am I going to get sick? Will I lose my job? How is this impacting our economy? What is this summer going to look like? When will things go back to normal? There is an unfathomable amount of uncertainty that we each are trying to cope with in our own individual ways.
Kids are hyper-attuned to their parent's feelings. So, even if parents are not outwardly expressing their feelings, these kids have some type of kid superpower that allows them to sense our feelings anyway (as if parents don’t have enough pressure put on them). This definitely does not mean that, as parents, we are not supposed to feel our feelings or even express them. Quite the opposite. We have to demonstrate for our children what it looks like to feel the good, the bad, and the ugly; how to cope with the good, the bad, the ugly; and then, we adjust our expectations of what that might look like for them. As adults, many of us have difficulties processing all of the feelings surrounding the Coronavirus and the state of the world. Feelings may include anxiety, grief, fear, and sadness as well as hope, love, and gratitude. Children channel that superpower of theirs and pick up on all of those feelings, whether we want them to or not. Expecting them to "appropriately" handle all of these feelings is simply unrealistic. While realistic expectations may look different for each individual child, this superpower exists regardless of the child's age or a parent's stage of parenthood.
Expect setbacks and then step back - Some of these may look like developmental regressions. There may be a resurgence of terrible two tantrums well past two. Or perhaps noticeable changes in sleep or regressions in potty training or more neediness. Neediness is often a huge indicator of a need for emotional connection. The goal is to step back for a quick second and recognize that these so-called "setbacks" are just a response to these new, unfamiliar feelings that they are feeling themselves or picking up from parents. Children need these emotional releases, even if it is through tantrums and outbursts. If we can change the lens with which we look at these behaviors, then we can see the desperate need that our children have to find connection, security, and safety in us in a confusing world. Our children, no matter their age, need us to connect and offer security and safety - physically, mentally, and emotionally.
They are just doing the best they can - Life has been turned upside down for the past few years. There is no more normal. We have lost so much during this time. This is also true for our children. Many are just now reestablishing structure, social activities, school, friends, and playgrounds. Everything that they have known as normal has been lost to them as well. But they do not all understand or have the emotional capacity to understand why all of these changes have taken place. All they know is that they have us. Just like we are, they are doing the very best that they can to make sense out of this world. However, most of them are not yet able to regulate nor understand the emotions they are experiencing the way adults may.
I recognize that this topic may feel like added pressure in parenthood. But I felt compelled to address it. How are we supposed to do all of this for our children while also feeling overwhelmed and confused ourselves? My answer is simple. By showing up and doing our best. By being real. And then by saying sorry when that realness does not always look very pretty.
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