Recently, after scrolling through Instagram and I heard about a concept that I had not encountered before: women being single moms while married. I must admit, my first response was to reject the notion that this concept exists. Can a married woman who has a partner truly be compared to someone who is single? This comparison seems unfavorable to single mothers who are normally without the help or support of a partner (i.e., single or alone). However, the more I thought about it, the more realistic the concept began to seem. I can understand the conditions that could exist to make someone feel like they do not have any support. There are many cultural norms that exist that could make this concept very likely. Those norms that perpetrate that a woman is supposed to be the primary caretaker of both the house and the children, while the partner is the main “breadwinner” and primarily focuses on bringing income into the home. These cultural norms unfortunately have not changed for some individuals, even if the mom works outside of the home (working outside the home just adds additional responsibilities and tasks to the daily routine of the mom). I can appreciate how some married moms feel as if they are not adequately supported and thus carry most of the load when it comes to taking care of their children. I can also appreciate that they can feel as if they are truly by themselves. If you’re someone who can relate to feeling unsupported in taking care of your children, even though you’re married, have you considered some of the underlying reasons? For instance, are you feeling overwhelmed with all the responsibilities? Are you feeling tired and run down? Are you feeling as if you do everything for your children? Are you feeling alone?
Childcare and support are crucial. If any of these apply to you, perhaps consider researching additional childcare resources (i.e., after school programs, summer camps, etc.). There are several low-cost options through the local counties (in Virginia). If you are uncertain where to start, try checking with your child’s school, social media, other parents and/or friends, for example. Also, perhaps consider ways to increase your support system, if possible (i.e., joining parenting groups or groups for mothers via social media, church, motherhood organizations, etc.). Some great ones in Richmond include MyBirth RVA, MOPS groups, Urban Baby Beginnings, and Fit4mom. Are you able to partner with other moms to take turns with babysitting to give you free time? Can you tag your partner in for a couple hours a week so that you can have time for yourself, “me time?” For instance, ask something like; “I have been feeling overwhelmed lately and could use some time to myself, can you be on kid duty for a couple of hours on Saturday afternoon?”
Seeking therapy may be another option. While therapists do not offer advice, they may be able to help provide tools and insight that can help. Some moms experience Postpartum Depression and Anxiety two to five years postpartum. And at least 1 out of 5 mothers experience depression or anxiety during the postpartum time, so you are not alone. Therapists can help provide interventions and information to help. Websites such as postpartumva.org and postpartum.net can provide tools and resources. They also provide information for support groups. Just remember you do not have to feel alone. You do not have to be a martyr mom (see Jenna Mile’s blog post on https://www.milebymilescounseling.com/post/a-martyr-mom for additional information).
“We're all in this together. It's okay, to be honest. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to say you're stuck, or that you'e haunted, or that you can't begin to let go. We can all relate to those things. Screw the stigma that says otherwise. Break the silence and break the cycle, for you are more than just your pain. You are not alone. And people need other people.” -- Jamie Tworkowski
“Just remember, you are not alone, in fact, you are in a very commonplace with millions of others. We need to help each other and keep striving to reach our goals.” -- Mike Moreno
References
D’Arcy, J. (2011, June 21). Married but feel like a single parent? you’ve got company. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/married-but-feel-like-a-single-parent-youve-got-company/2011/06/20/AGf8UNdH_blog.html
Mayer, B. A. (2023, May 4). What is a married single mom?. Parents.
https://www.parents.com/what-is-a-married-single-mom-7488576
Smith, J. (2022, July 8). When a married Mom says she feels like a single mom... Grace for Single Parents. https://www.graceforsingleparents.com/when-a-married-mom-says-she-
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