"In general, when people live in acute stress, either cracks in their relationship will be amplified or the light that shines through the cracks will be amplified." - Esther Perell
Do you remember the early days when you first chose to live with your partner? All the reasons it felt right. There was a reason that the first year of marriage used to be considered the hardest. So many changes. So many compromises. So much more time with each other. Who could have imagined being stuck together 24 hours a day 7 days a week without reprieve? Well, multiply that time by 100. That has been the past two and a half years. But for many, the honeymoon phase has worn off and reality of each other has set in.
After the quarantine initially lifted in China, there was a significant spike in the divorce rate. The internet flooded with memes about divorce attorneys and couple's therapists being in such high demand. While not funny, it is also not surprising given the strain the pandemic has put on everyone physically and emotionally. There are ways that relationships can not only survive but thrive during times of crisis. Here are some strategies to stick together even when you are stuck together:
1. Communicate your feelings clearly and really listen to your partner communicate theirs - not everyone will have the same approach or feelings about the pandemic or anything else in life. Each partner will not need the same things nor cope in the same ways. Each partner is a different person with a different past, different experiences, and different opinions. It can be difficult not to assume that a partner is thinking or feeling the same. Practice communicating needs and wants in detail can help breakdown assumptions. Instead of "I am so stressed, I need a break," try "please take the kids on a stroller walk so that I can take a 30-minute nap."
Too often, partners hope that the other will read between the lines or be able to read each other's mind in what they are wanting or needing. But in reality, that does not happen. More often than not, partners have no idea unless explicitly told. Rather than leave them guessing setting the relationship up for failure and disappointment, why not just tell them? And if you are the one doing the guessing, then maybe just ask?
2. Displacing feelings may happen right now - check in with yourself and acknowledge your own feelings, then check in with your partner and validate theirs. During times of acute stress, the likelihood of partners taking out their emotions on each other increases. An example might be a mother being frustrated with a toddler's 20 minute tantrum then snaps at their partner about the dishes not being done correctly which leads to th partner rolling their eyes which then triggers more anger. Or the partner who is stressed from a difficult meeting and lashes out in frustration toward their partner. These interactions will happen. We are all human. And more times than not, we reveal the worst of ourselves to the people with whom we feel the closest and safest. Which leads to the next strategy...
3. Practice offering grace and cultivating compassion - Again, we are all human. We are bound to make mistakes. We will take stress out on each other. But underneath the unrelenting urgency and prolonged uncertainty, remember that you and your partner chose each other for a reason. You love each other for a reason. Every time that you feel infuriated by the toilet seat, dirty dish, or whatever triggers you, remember that you all are navigating unprecedented times together. You may hate the behavior, but you love the person. Practice showing compassion and grace because your partner is likely struggling too, wehether they are sharing it or not.
One way to make grace and compassion easier to offer is by creating connection. Finding ways to connection with each other. It can be easy to fall into the dreaded "who has it harder" mentality, the tit for tat comparison, but if you feel emotionally and/or physically connected to a partner it can be harder to find yourselves in that harmful pattern. Turn off screens and truly connect. There are several resources to initiate connection including games like "Let's Get Deep" and other similar tools.
4. Implement a routine that includes alone time - When asked about the hardest part of the quarantine, a spouse answered "I cannot get enough time by myself." Between being torn by a partner or family or children or whoever is stuck in the home, there never seems to be enough time alone. Making a point to schedule that time into a routine can help in prioritizing it in the midst of so much togetherness. It is also important to try not to take it personally if a partner expresses the same need for alone time. Sometimes it may come be expressed proactively by saying "I need to be alone" or reactively in the moment which may sound more like "just give me some space."
5. Remember to play on the same team - How often do you see a sports team win a game when the teammates are playing against each other? Not often. When the quarterback refuses to throw a pass to the wide-open receiver because he said something that made him mad in the locker room at halftime? That team won't win a game. Imagine that your partner is your teammate. If they win, you win. If they lose, you lose. Your teammate (partner) is one on whom you can rely to always be trying their best to pull their weight and they can rely on you to do the same. Everyone is doing their best.
Most couples are used to having some physical separation in their relationship allowing them to compartmentalize different life roles; professional, parent, friend, partner, etc. And when couples are used to working from home together, it is done with the knowledge that there is the option to access away time when needed. But, during the quarantine, we are seeing a lot of that face sitting across the couch. Perhaps softening the lens in which we see them may help in sticking together. Everyone is just doing their best. Nurture the love that start your unique love story even in the midst of a crisis, especially in the midst of this crisis.
Update: All of the strategies are applicable and true in relationships both in times of crisis and in everyday life.
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