The holidays are here! The temperatures are dropping and so are the Gingerbread Lattes. For some people, the holidays represent a time of giving, a time of tradition and family. Sometimes family and tradition can feel intertwined; inseparable even. There seems to be this unwritten benchmark of what the holidays should look like for every family, regardless of one’s beliefs and
family dynamics. Holiday movies like to paint this picture of a city dusted with snow, littered with twinkling lights and soft carols in the background. That sounds so peaceful, so serene. Let’s face it, that just sounds “holiday”. Unfortunately, movies and other media can paint an unbelievably unrealistic picture of the holidays. Not every family gets together and decorates cookies. What if you aren’t speaking to other family members? Or, what if your opinions and beliefs are staunchly different from the rest of your family? What if your family members make it a point to ask all of the personal questions at the dinner table? The holidays can be a joyous time and a stressful time.
Moreover, your family, and their expectations for your life, can impact your mental health. It can be difficult to be around family and feel bombarded by the questions, the criticism and the judgment. Furthermore, if you already have a mental health condition, research shows that family criticism can worsen those conditions. Other times of the year, it may be easier to compartmentalize heavy family expectations. But there is something about the holidays that doesn't make compartmentalization as feasible. It seems like, all at once, we are confronted with the reality that we don’t feel supported by our families or our family’s expectations for our lives are much different than our dreams and goals. Listed below are three ways that you can cope with difficult family members/relationships during this holiday season.
Set a time limit on your visit: This can be a helpful form of boundary setting. If you already know what’s on the itinerary, select a time that you know will be most conducive to you leaving.
Grounding Techniques: Sometimes managing our expectations and anxiety around family is about doing some of the work preemptively. For example, before getting in your car, try taking a few deep breaths. Then, when you arrive at your family’s house, take a few more deep breaths even before getting out of the car.
Don’t be afraid to say “no”: When family members ask intrusively personal questions, we may feel like we are obligated to give them an answer. But we’re not. Respect and reinforce your boundaries. You have the right to say, “I’m not comfortable with answering that question.”
References
(2023). Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/difficult-family-holidays/
Expectations and Family Pressure | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. (2023)
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