Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. What a statement! This well-known nursery rhyme really set the stage for what is expected of little girls. We are to be sweet but also spicy and always nice. We are to be “good girls.” What exactly does that mean though? Is it being quiet and polite? Always soft spoken? Always kind? Is it being selfless? Focusing solely on making others happy. Ignoring our own wants and needs? Is it being modest? Is it being just modest enough but also attractive enough to attract others? According to Ludacris, it is being “a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.” These conflicting, and often absurd, messages are everywhere. But as the saying goes, good girls do not make history.
“I’m afraid they’ll think I’m selfish.” “I don’t want to be seen as a b*tch.” “I’m just being overdramatic.” “What will my friends think?” “What if he/she doesn’t like me anymore?” “Other moms have it all together.” “I don’t want them to think I’m weak or too emotional.” These and many other variations of these statements are said to me all the time both personally and professionally. Truthfully, I’m often plagued by the same self-doubt despite attempting to give off the "I don't care" vibe. Fake it until you make it, they say. But what do all of these types of thoughts and questions have in common? Each one is focused on the perception of us that other people hold. From the moment we are born, as little girls we learn that our role in life is to focus our time and energy on pleasing others. When we focus on pleasing others, we forget how to please ourselves. We let go of what makes us happy in an effort to make everyone else happy, our spouses, our children, our colleagues, our friends. Our worth ends up being measured by other people’s opinions of us. Perhaps we can change these inherent expectations that we, as women, often feel. The next generation does not need to feel the same unrelenting need to please everyone other than themselves. We can raise fierce little women who see how worthy, wonderful, and worth it they are just as they are! No more little good girls.
Teach the power of “NO” - This applies to saying no to others including your children if that means saying yes to yourself. In Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed, she tells her oldest daughter “if you have the choice to disappoint yourself or disappoint someone else, it is your duty in life to disappoint that other person.” How different would our lives look if we lived out this concept? Way too often I hear about a mother neglecting her own wants and even needs while her spouse has no problem advocating for what they want. Yet, we feel guilty asking for half an hour for a shower. When a man asserts himself, he is described as a strong leader. When a woman asserts herself, she is described as a selfish b*tch. Let's work to change this underlying expectation that women neglect themselves to take care of others. Let’s raise girls who are fierce and not afraid to disappoint if that means taking a stand for herself. And sometimes that looks like saying no to parents as well.
Let her make mistakes. Girls need to know that there is something wonderful in their imperfections. Perfection is not the goal and quite frankly is unrealistic. Falling only provides opportunities to see how strong she is when she stands right back up again. Let her be wild, bold, and adventurous. Let her get dirty. Let her experience the good, the bad, and the ugly of life so that she can know what she is capable of and the beauty in her imperfections.
Comment on more than appearance. A woman is more than her looks. We say it all the time. The cliche “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” But do we honestly believe it? Do we send this message in the ways we talk to young girls? That there is so much more to her than how she looks. I find myself saying “you look so pretty. You are so beautiful.” And piggybacking on that, do we believe this for ourselves. Try affirming more than her outward beauty by saying things like “You are so strong. You can move mountains. You have a wonderful imagination. I love your curiosity. You are so loving and kind. Be proud of yourself! You are incredibly unique.”
Encourage independence, courage, and individuality. I would encourage everyone with little girls to invest in the book What Does a Princess Really Look Like? written by a friend and colleague of mine, Mark Loewen, who is a registered play therapist. It is a part of a series called Brave Like a Girl. The book is about fostering individuality and independence in little girls. Teaching them to look past cultural gender norms and not conform. Not to think about what will make others happy and what they want them to be, but instead to think independently and create their own definition of who and what they want to be. Then have the courage to live that out with parents who support her in whatever that look may look like. I wonder what your “princess” would look like if inspired and created by your strong, smart, and beautiful little girl herself.
Model confidence. I do not know about you, but it is terrifying how much I see myself in my son. All the big feelings, vocal opinions, and strong-will. Our little ones are very literally just that. OUR little ones. We are their models in everything from communication, opinions, resiliency, habits, nutrition, self-love, priorities...EVERYTHING. That feels like a tremendous amount of pressure. But it also provides a tremendous number of opportunities to help mold our children.
Be mindful not to dismiss or demean yourself in front of your child. Try not to talk about weight or body image. Do not insult yourself or others in front of them. I have seen so many parents look at their children and say “be kind” yet they are not kind themselves or “you are perfect just the way you are” and then in the same breath make a negative comment about themselves. Little ones are always watching and always listening. Raising wonderful fierce little women starts with us.
"There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise."
- W.E.B. DuBois
Komentáre